news article
Rowing toward shore after my husband’s death
August 15, 2017 / By By Jan Rothfuss
My husband’s death was not completely unexpected but I was holding on to the thought that we would be together a while longer. After all, he had survived his initial bought with cancer in 2013 and 2014 was a great year, including the birth of our first grandchild and a road trip together out to Colorado.
But in June of 2015, he was called home. While I had experienced the death of grandparents and parents, what I felt during these days was quite different. I did not understand the depth of emotions that would come over me at unexpected moments. We were both fishers and it seemed that the image to describe my turmoil was described best as ten foot waves repeatedly crashing over me.
I do not remember very much about the first six months. I do remember thinking that I now understood the purpose behind committing Bible verses to memory – writing them on one’s heart. During these times of true heartache, those words moved in through the cracks and provided comfort. I still had trouble putting my scattered thoughts into words; so much of my time with God was silent. This provided many opportunities for God to speak and for me to listen.
Early in 2016, I continued to struggle with my innate need to do something. I was beginning to feel a slight degree of control over my emotions. I came across a suggestion that I could hold on to: Pray to God….But Row toward Shore. It suggested to me what I already knew deep down. That God is faithful and patient and that God wanted me to begin my journey afresh as I moved toward my new normal. But it also appealed to my internal drive to do something instead of just stand by and wait for something to happen.
I moved through the months toward the one year anniversary trying to rebuild while continuing to listen. I joined our UMC church’s GriefShare group which placed me into a caring community of persons who were traveling a similar path. I continued to spend time with my son and his family, enjoying the love that is uniquely shared between a grandmother and grandson.
As June arrived, I began to feel that I was getting closer to shore. It was around this time that I came to a realization that would impact the rest of the journey. I realized that my boat was not empty. Now I know that God was there with me all along. Trusting God is enough.